Five Ways to Rob a Bank Without a Weapon

1) Ask Politely

You’d be surprised what you can get by asking nicely. You’ve seen those people on the street, handing out little sample-sized sachets of sunscreen and the like. Free tickets, free drinks and free products are all on offer and yours for the taking if you ask politely. Of course, we’re not saying that you should walk up to any old John in a food court and take his hamburger – that would be rude. You have to ask first.

By the same reasoning, asking the teller if he wouldn’t mind handing over the cash could potentially be a great way to rob a bank without using any kind of weapon – other than your good looks and rakish charm. They may ask you which account you’re withdrawing from, at which point you should calmly explain that you’re robbing the bank (but you’ve got the decency to make it as stress-free as possible. You’re just that kind of human being.)

Hey, if you don’t ask, you don’t get – right?

2) Beg the Teller

If asking politely doesn’t work (so few people respond to common courtesy these days), here’s where you move onto number two: begging, emotionally blackmailing and throwing a tantrum. Cry a little. It might result in the teller or the bank manager feeling sorry for you and dipping into their own pockets, or you might be escorted from the premises. Take a chance and live a little.

3) Talk to the ATM

It is said that machines are extremely logical and respond to commands quite well. It’s clear that when you need cash, logically, the place to get it is from an ATM. Try explaining the situation and asking whether it can help out. If you speak binary code, that’s even better.

Whatever you do, don’t rip the thing out of the wall. That’s a crime.

4) Ask other people

The bank is a great place to ask other people for money because you’re all there for the same purpose. You’re comrades in arms. Try to get them on the way out because you know they’ve just withdrawn cash. You might need to provide change.

5) Make Friends in High Places

The security guard, the teller, the bank manager, the bank owner. All of these people have the power to give you what you want. It’s unlikely that any of them will, but it’s nice to make friends nevertheless.

Of course, if none of these methods work and you end up robbing the bank with a weapon, you’ll probably end up in jail and in need of a bail bondsman. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

The author, Kahmen Lai, in no way advocates robbing a bank, but she’d be pretty amused if you gave any of these a shot. If you’re silly enough to try and you end up in jail, she recommends you call Direct, Bail Bonds for advice about what you can do to get yourself out.

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